Mar 10, 2017

Why You Should Keep Your Relationship Off Facebook


During my pregnancy, I had joined a few mom groups on Facebook for women who had babies due in January, which are probably now parenting groups for moms that gave birth late December to early February. I ended up leaving all of these groups because I could not stand all the man-hating.

These were groups where we could talk about our pregnancies and later a go-to for parenting advice. However, what amazed me was how many of these women would complain about their spouses or partners.

I have seen certain family members do this in the past on Facebook as well, but not as often, so I never thought to do anything but unfollow those individuals. Now it is a big enough pet peeve that I decided to make a post with reasons why you should keep your relationship off of Facebook, or at least, the messy bits.


1. You are communicating with the wrong person. 

A lot of women in these groups like to complain about how their husbands or boyfriends do not help out. I swear there is a new post every day that basically sounds like this: "My husband doesn't do anything!" Well, the obvious response to this is "Have you tried asking him?"

Many women are quick to bash their husbands on social media about how he never helps out, but the reality is, you are probably not even giving him a chance! I remember a couple weeks after having our baby, I was feeling super stressed and upset at my husband because it seemed like I was doing all the work, but I had the decency to not complain about it on social media. My husband noticed that I seemed more irritated than usual and actually confronted me and said: "I want to help, but I don't know what you need help with, just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

Men are not psychic (I do not think anyone is for that matter). They can't help you if you do not ask, so instead of complaining on Facebook about how your husband does not seem to notice the mile high pile of dishes in the sink, get off your phone or computer, and simply ask: "Honey, could you please do the dishes?"

One thing I was bad at was just assuming that if I noticed something needed to be done, he would notice too, but that was not the case and was also wrong for me to make that assumption. I have now learned the importance of just asking and being direct. If you say something like "The garbage is looking full," that means nothing to him. If you want him to take out the garbage then ask! (and ask nicely). "Honey, could you please take out the garbage?" will get you what you want and save you from this entire mess!

My husband admitted that he will put things off if he feels he does not have to do it right away. For example, if I notice the garbage is full and mention this to him, he will look at it and think "I can fit more in there," and leave it for another day. I am not sure if this a common thing for men, but just goes to show that you have to let them know you want something done now, or they might try to put if of later.

Also, have you ever thought that maybe YOU are the problem? If you are not asking for help, then you are the one causing the problem. It is easy to blame your spouse, and even easier on social media where other women who are having relationship problems will gladly join you in your man hate (somehow all men end up being the same in these conversations).

However, none of them appear to ever give advice! So my advice to you is to get off of Facebook, figure out what the problem is, consider what YOU can do to change that problem, and then talk to your husband. Usually, it is as simple as just asking your partner to do something you want help with.
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2. It only makes you look bad. 

You may think you are making your partner look bad by complaining how he never does this or that, but in reality, when I see a post like that on Facebook, it is YOU that looks bad. I actually feel sorry for your partner because one, they probably have no idea how you feel, two, you are not even giving them a chance to tell their side of the story, and three you are embarrassing them publicly. Just think about how you would feel if your spouse was to make a post complaining about you.

Instead of coming off as the unsung hero, you come off as the grumpy housewife (to put it nicely) to those of us following you on Facebook, while your partner becomes the poor puppy that got hit by a car (you being the car).

Complaining about your husband on Facebook is not going to get him to stop doing whatever it is you want him to stop doing. You need to communicate to him how you feel and the both of you need to figure out a solution.

Another thing to keep in mind is that once you post it for the world to see, you can never take it back. Yes, you can delete your post, but your mom, grandpa, your best friend, etc. all now know you have relationship problems. They might also be more cautious to share things with you because they now know you will post anything on Facebook.


3. How would you feel if it were the other way around?

I think these women in the Facebook groups feel safe to bash their partners because one, we are all women (supposedly), and two, it is hidden from family and friends (if you have the Ovia parenting app, then it is completely anonymous, which is why I think the posts on there are way worse).

Since I am not "Facebook friends" with any of these women, I can't say if they do or do not post about their partners directly on their Facebook page, but either way, it is childish behavior.

I say childish because that is what a child does: they tattle on everything, "So and so ate the last cookie!" is pretty much the same as: "My husband never takes out the garbage!" You are basically whining to your mommy and daddy ("Facebook friends") about your partner when what you should be doing is sitting down with your partner and having a civil, adult conversation about your problems and how to solve them.

I do not think many of these women consider how they would feel if they found out their partners were doing the same to them. I know I would be upset if I found out my husband was telling his family and friends (or even strangers for that matter!) that I was a lousy wife who only watched Netflix all day (and no that is not what I do all day, but you get the idea). If he had a problem with something I was doing, I would rather him confront me so we can come up with a solution, not complain about it for the world to see. However, that's just me; maybe you don't mind if your significant other is out there complaining about you; that is your call. Just something to consider the next time you decide to post that nasty little status update about how your partner does nothing.


4. Your children will see it.

This doesn't apply to the Facebook groups, but I have personally witnessed this on my Facebook. (Also may not apply if you have kids too young for Facebook, but they will grow up, and Facebook is good about hanging onto past posts).

Some people really need to think "Do I want my children to see this?" before making posts on Facebook. I have even witnessed children of parents apologizing for what their parents posted! It just appalls me how people think it is okay to post their fights or arguments on Facebook as if they are trying to get people to take their side!

You would not fight in public, would you? So why fight on Facebook? I guess if you are one to fight in public, then this may not apply to you.

Either way, this is not a healthy relationship. Instead of taking your fight to the public or social media, you should be trying to work it out among yourselves, and if you can't, then get a counselor, therapist, or other qualified professional to help out, You should be working on fixing your relationship problems, not making them worse or ignoring them and just whining about them on Facebook.

Not only are you embarrassing yourselves with this childish behavior, but your children and other family members for that matter. Also, your kids will likely respect you less because of your immature behavior. They will tell you less because they fear you will post about them on social media and the last thing they need is their own mother or father complaining about how crappy they are to all their family and friends. So if you want to keep your child's respect, then respect your spouse and deal with problems inside the house, not on the internet or street for that matter.




Attribution: Image used in blog post photo does not belong to me and was found on MorgueFile.

17 comments:

  1. I know people get hurt or are angry. Putting it on Facebook or any social media is just wrong. Always turns out worse and can be used against you.

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  2. I try not to do this. I have been guilty of it in the past, but I try to keep it in a small group of women who I trust and usually give me great advice and are good at 'talking me down'. My mom passed away last year so I feel like I'm searching for someone else to vent to. I do try to talk to him about the problems though. It can be hard to ask for help, definitely! However I HAVE had times when I ask him and he straight up ignores me hahah. Men!

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  3. i agreed with you !! it happen with me all the time !! i put something on Facebook in angry which turn out worst !! Now i have restrict my activities from there

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  4. 100% yes!! I agree with all of your points here.

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  5. I cringe when I read my friend's marital woes on FB. I just regret it for them because I know there's always someone out there lurking to ruin relationships

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  6. I agree that not to show all about the relationship, and something to keep private

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  7. I agree if you are going to be on social media think of what your kids and their friends will see. This will also effect them as well.

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  8. FINALLY someone who thinks like I do- All of these are so true. I wish more people understood the negative effects social media can have.

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  9. I completely agree with all of this. I like to keep my relationship matters private. I am always shocked by those relationship rants on social media.

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  10. So true. I think sometimes people forget that sharing on social media is public (for most anyway). I am always taken back when I see personal family disputes online.

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  11. I can definitely see from the post that you really dislike this behavior. But have you ever thought that maybe the wives really have talked to their husbands but their husbands haven't changed. And maybe these women don't have many friends in real life they can vent to and these groups create a safe space for it. Venting is good and allows people to work through their problem. Because in reality our partners have a lot of downsides, just like we do. But those downsides are not big enough leave them over or start another fight over. But letting off some steam to like minded people allows us to process our feelings and then return to our relationship without having to engage in a major fight.

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    Replies
    1. If it is an ongoing issue and the husband isn't listening, then therapy or counseling is needed. If your partner isn't willing to communicate with you and work to find a solution to the problem, then is that really someone you want to be with for the rest of your life?

      Venting may make you feel better, but it doesn't solve anything. It just keeps the issue going until eventually you reach a breaking point. Communication is the only way things can change. You should feel safe to express your feelings to your partner. If not, then you may want to reconsider the relationship. There is no need to "fight." I have arguments with my husband, but we don't "fight." It's not a yelling match. We have a conversation but what's going on and problem solve to find a solution that works for both of us.

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  12. I am with you 100%. The husband bashing is so horrible. It is an epidemic that completely poisons our relationships. There are counselors, pastors, and so many people that specialize in helping couples. There's no need for publicly humiliation one's spouse.

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  13. I don't like it when anyone puts their relationship issues on social media. It is terrible and makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why people do that!

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  14. It always drives me crazy when people post about their relationships on FB. The bad and the very ugly don't need to be shared. They need to be discussed.

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  15. I totally agree with you. I simply hate it when they rant about their partners in social media. Things like this must be discussed at home and not online. I am lucky that my husband and I do not post things like that in FB. The world does not need to know our problems.

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  16. On one hand, I do agree with you that these women should be confronting and talking to their husbands/partners about these kind of issues but it would be problematic to ignore the very real elephant in the room: women should not have to micro-manage their men to make sure they pull their weight in the household.

    In a comment you responded to, you said that women shouldn't stay with men who refuse to change and while that would be ideal in a perfect world, that's sadly not the situation for a lot of people. I think men have to collectively be willing to change and truly want to learn how to do chores in the household and support their spouses, but a lot of men aren't raised that way and it's really hard to find those who are.

    Hopefully, this will change with the next few generations as we raise boys and girls who support and interact with each other equally and those kinds of complaint posts won't have a reason to exist!

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